It takes two – two sides to every story. I’ve learned a lot from my breakup. I wasn’t innocent – I had my flaws too. I was insecure with myself. And my insecurities made me question and overthink. There was always a part of me that wondered – does he really, really love me? Is he 100% dedicated to me? Does he really think I’m beautiful and special? Am I beautiful and special? Does he really want to spend the rest of his life with me? These were some of my own personal fears coming to the surface. When you are in a relationships, old fears and insecurities have the tendency to boil to the surface when you least expect it. The idea that someone could truly love me for me, without any hidden agenda, or the fact that someone would finally stay in my life – that they wouldn’t leave the way others had….I never realized how much loss I had experienced in my life. Different losses, but nonetheless, loss. All these things just came to the surface.
I was so afraid to lose him. I wanted him to stay. I wanted this to be the exception to the rule I had gotten so used to in my life. I know my insecurities affected our relationship. I held on to him tightly. I didn’t have friends really, except ones from work, but no one I could truly go to or spend time with, or vent to. I had no one but my family and him. I can see how that was a burden to him in a way. He would have wanted me to have my own life and friends, and things to do. The same way he wanted to do his own things. Ultimately, the one thing I had been dreading, had happened – I lost him. He left. Another loss. That’s why when the relationship ended, I evaluated my life. I evaluated myself. I wanted to learn from this experience and to grow from it. Certainly there had to be a reason for all the pain and hurt I was feeling. There had to be a reason why this had all happened. And so I started working on myself. I’ve made new friends since then. I’ve done things I never would have done, and tried new things. I’ve taken chances on people. I’ve opened up. And I continue to do so, even when fear wants to stop me. It’s an ongoing process, but I’m growing and evolving.
Something that I learned though is that it wasn’t just me. I blamed myself for everything when he broke up. Absolutely everything. But I realize now that while I take full responsibility for my flaws, I refuse to take responsibility for the demise of the relationship. Relationships take two people. They take communication and effort. And unfortunately, there was a breakdown in communication, much earlier than I had realized – possibly from the start of our living together. And what I learned was that all I could have done had I known how he was feeling, was exactly what I’m doing now. Accept my faults and work on them. I can’t help but wonder if a part of me did have reason to feel insecure at times (not all the time, but some times). It’s not that he was cheating or being untrue to me in any way, but just that I felt like he wasn’t 100% invested. Ultimately, maybe that was the case. Maybe he just felt he couldn’t at the time. Maybe he just had too many things about himself he needed to work on. I’ll never really know.
Sometimes it depends on who you are with and whether you both choose to work on things together to build a stronger relationship, as well as to grow as individuals. I have a better idea of what I need in a relationship now because of this experience. I also have a better idea of who I want to be in a relationship. I don’t want to be the same insecure person I once was. I want to be secure in myself as well as in my relationship and the person I’m with. Communication is so key. And hopefully I will find someone that is willing to communicate and be willing to work on any obstacles that may come our way – because it’s worth it, and because we will be better for it. Just as in marriage vows – through better and worse.