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Dad

father daughter handprintsDad, I still have guilt in my heart. Please forgive me for not knowing how to deal with certain things. Forgive me for being angry, hurt, scared. I don’t know if at the time I could have done better, because it is now as an adult that I know better. Forgive me.

 

It’s been two years. Is there a heaven? Is it how they say? Beautiful, peaceful, void of pain, suffering and hurt? Just love and freedom? Are you with my grandparents? Can they see us? Are you free? Free of illness, pain? Are you watching down on us? Are you protecting us and helping us as we walk this life without you? Are you proud of us?

 

Am I living this life the way I should? Is there something I’m not getting? I’m sure there is. I’m sure there is sooo much I have yet to learn. So much I don’t understand. So much that just doesn’t make sense. Can you help me? Help me make sense of it all. Help me be better. Help me live a life of joy, peace, compassion, humility, and most importantly love. Help me not to worry about things that have past, things I cannot change or control, things I do not understand. Guide me. Help me find those things that make me happy. Help me become a better woman, daughter, friend, sister, cousin, niece. Help me get out of my old ways, so that I can see the light. So that I can see the beauty in front of me…now…in this hour…this moment. Help me create bonds with others…those bonds that will carry me through life, and lift me up through difficult times, as I will them. Help me to live the life I am meant to live. Help me be open to it. Help me find my passion in life – that which makes me who I am. That which brings me joy and fulfillment. I’m doing my best….but help me do better.

I love you always.

Your baby girl.

We’ve All Been Broken…

Never Should Have?

Tooting My Own Horn

Woot! Woot! After such a difficult year and a half, I’m so glad to say that I’ve maintained my GPA this year (all A’s this school year!). I don’t know how I was able to concentrate, or study, or continue with my studies this year. It was soooo difficult. But I’m so glad and grateful that God gave me the strength to keep up with it. Somehow, I made it through, and I’m proud of myself for it. There were days I just didn’t want to do anything…I just didn’t have the mind to, or the heart to. But maybe my studies is something that helped keep me afloat among so much sadness, uncertainty, and heartache. Because it was one of the only stable things in my life at the time. One of the “constants” in my life. Kept me moving forward in a way.

I have a bit more to go, but I’m close to my goal. The goal of having stuck with something for soooo long, and finally seeing it come to fruition. It’s not about the degree or a future career for me. It’s about knowing that through all the adversity, frustration, and challenges, that I said I was going to do something and did it. That I stuck with it as hard as it may have been. That I didn’t give up. And that means the world to me. It’s a lesson in life – I can’t ever give up. No matter how hard it is. I need to keep moving forward.

I AM BEAUTIFUL

I AM WORTH IT. I AM WORTHY. I AM IMPORTANT. I AM FUNNY. I AM INTELLIGENT. I AM STRONG. I AM KIND. I AM LOVING. I…..AM…..BEAUTIFUL. ENOUGH SAID.

Following His Lead

For these past couple of months (or really 9 months), I have been in search of myself again. In search of who I am, who I was, and what I lost (what I lost about myself). In search of who I want to be and what I want to do. I’m not quite on solid ground yet. I mean, I feel like my feet touch the ground every now and again when I’m feeling good and positive and hopeful, but I still don’t feel a sense of being completely grounded yet. Sometimes events in our lives throw us off the tracks. Derail us completely and unexpectedly. I was totally derailed. I know that I’m growing because of this experience, but I still feel lost a lot of times. I still feel like I’m not sure if I’m heading in the right direction, or what I should be doing. Sometimes you wish someone could point you in the right direction. Make things more clear, or give you hope that things would get better. That you wouldn’t feel lost anymore. That one day you would be back on solid ground again with a clear vision of what you needed to do and who you were. That the choices you were making today, were the right ones. All I can do is follow his lead. Follow this path that God has me on, and have faith and believe that I need to walk on this path in order to touch solid ground again. I need to hold on to his hand even when I feel like letting go. Even when I’m weak, doubtful, scared, or unsure. I need to believe in him enough to realize that he would never lead me down a path that wasn’t good for me. And that takes so much courage. So much faith.

The Holidays

Man, the holidays can be rough….so immensely rough. I have to say though, I’m so grateful I am not completely alone, as so many unfortunately are during the holidays. I have my mom and brother, and just having them here with me – it helps me get through. And though there is sadness and longing in my heart, I have to open up my eyes, my heart, and mind to what is right in front of me. To all that I do have. I can’t be blinded by my own loss and melancholy. Sometimes our hearts are so wounded, that we just want to give up. We just want to stay in bed and cry, and sit in our loss. But it just doesn’t do us much good. We are only wasting precious time. I can’t change my past, and I can’t control the future. All I have is right now. Today. This moment. So I have to make the best of it, and have to hold on to the hope and the belief that my tomorrows will be better than all of my yesterdays. That’s not to say that I should ignore or get angry at myself for feeling that loss. It’s okay to feel what we need to feel. And we have to be kind with ourselves for it as well. But I just can’t allow myself to wallow in it. A few minutes to acknowledge and feel those feelings is okay. But all day – not good..lol. So here’s to that effort. That conscious effort to choose and feel differently.

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