For these past couple of months (or really 9 months), I have been in search of myself again. In search of who I am, who I was, and what I lost (what I lost about myself). In search of who I want to be and what I want to do. I’m not quite on solid ground yet. I mean, I feel like my feet touch the ground every now and again when I’m feeling good and positive and hopeful, but I still don’t feel a sense of being completely grounded yet. Sometimes events in our lives throw us off the tracks. Derail us completely and unexpectedly. I was totally derailed. I know that I’m growing because of this experience, but I still feel lost a lot of times. I still feel like I’m not sure if I’m heading in the right direction, or what I should be doing. Sometimes you wish someone could point you in the right direction. Make things more clear, or give you hope that things would get better. That you wouldn’t feel lost anymore. That one day you would be back on solid ground again with a clear vision of what you needed to do and who you were. That the choices you were making today, were the right ones. All I can do is follow his lead. Follow this path that God has me on, and have faith and believe that I need to walk on this path in order to touch solid ground again. I need to hold on to his hand even when I feel like letting go. Even when I’m weak, doubtful, scared, or unsure. I need to believe in him enough to realize that he would never lead me down a path that wasn’t good for me. And that takes so much courage. So much faith.
Man, the holidays can be rough….so immensely rough. I have to say though, I’m so grateful I am not completely alone, as so many unfortunately are during the holidays. I have my mom and brother, and just having them here with me – it helps me get through. And though there is sadness and longing in my heart, I have to open up my eyes, my heart, and mind to what is right in front of me. To all that I do have. I can’t be blinded by my own loss and melancholy. Sometimes our hearts are so wounded, that we just want to give up. We just want to stay in bed and cry, and sit in our loss. But it just doesn’t do us much good. We are only wasting precious time. I can’t change my past, and I can’t control the future. All I have is right now. Today. This moment. So I have to make the best of it, and have to hold on to the hope and the belief that my tomorrows will be better than all of my yesterdays. That’s not to say that I should ignore or get angry at myself for feeling that loss. It’s okay to feel what we need to feel. And we have to be kind with ourselves for it as well. But I just can’t allow myself to wallow in it. A few minutes to acknowledge and feel those feelings is okay. But all day – not good..lol. So here’s to that effort. That conscious effort to choose and feel differently.
It takes two – two sides to every story. I’ve learned a lot from my breakup. I wasn’t innocent – I had my flaws too. I was insecure with myself. And my insecurities made me question and overthink. There was always a part of me that wondered – does he really, really love me? Is he 100% dedicated to me? Does he really think I’m beautiful and special? Am I beautiful and special? Does he really want to spend the rest of his life with me? These were some of my own personal fears coming to the surface. When you are in a relationships, old fears and insecurities have the tendency to boil to the surface when you least expect it. The idea that someone could truly love me for me, without any hidden agenda, or the fact that someone would finally stay in my life – that they wouldn’t leave the way others had….I never realized how much loss I had experienced in my life. Different losses, but nonetheless, loss. All these things just came to the surface.
I was so afraid to lose him. I wanted him to stay. I wanted this to be the exception to the rule I had gotten so used to in my life. I know my insecurities affected our relationship. I held on to him tightly. I didn’t have friends really, except ones from work, but no one I could truly go to or spend time with, or vent to. I had no one but my family and him. I can see how that was a burden to him in a way. He would have wanted me to have my own life and friends, and things to do. The same way he wanted to do his own things. Ultimately, the one thing I had been dreading, had happened – I lost him. He left. Another loss. That’s why when the relationship ended, I evaluated my life. I evaluated myself. I wanted to learn from this experience and to grow from it. Certainly there had to be a reason for all the pain and hurt I was feeling. There had to be a reason why this had all happened. And so I started working on myself. I’ve made new friends since then. I’ve done things I never would have done, and tried new things. I’ve taken chances on people. I’ve opened up. And I continue to do so, even when fear wants to stop me. It’s an ongoing process, but I’m growing and evolving.
Something that I learned though is that it wasn’t just me. I blamed myself for everything when he broke up. Absolutely everything. But I realize now that while I take full responsibility for my flaws, I refuse to take responsibility for the demise of the relationship. Relationships take two people. They take communication and effort. And unfortunately, there was a breakdown in communication, much earlier than I had realized – possibly from the start of our living together. And what I learned was that all I could have done had I known how he was feeling, was exactly what I’m doing now. Accept my faults and work on them. I can’t help but wonder if a part of me did have reason to feel insecure at times (not all the time, but some times). It’s not that he was cheating or being untrue to me in any way, but just that I felt like he wasn’t 100% invested. Ultimately, maybe that was the case. Maybe he just felt he couldn’t at the time. Maybe he just had too many things about himself he needed to work on. I’ll never really know.
Sometimes it depends on who you are with and whether you both choose to work on things together to build a stronger relationship, as well as to grow as individuals. I have a better idea of what I need in a relationship now because of this experience. I also have a better idea of who I want to be in a relationship. I don’t want to be the same insecure person I once was. I want to be secure in myself as well as in my relationship and the person I’m with. Communication is so key. And hopefully I will find someone that is willing to communicate and be willing to work on any obstacles that may come our way – because it’s worth it, and because we will be better for it. Just as in marriage vows – through better and worse.
That emotional connection doesn’t cease to exist overnight. Maybe it is still love. And though your mind knows the truth, though it sees the reality of the situation and of the choices….your heart – it still feels. Though you know the other felt differently, you can’t help but to feel a sense of sadness, and to yet feel a sense of connection. Even a sense of loyalty. This song is so fitting to that tiny bit of hope we sometimes hold. That tiny bit of hope that unfortunately, we must learn to let go of. Because holding on to it means we are not letting go completely. And we have to – for our own well being. It can be hard to give up everything we put into something we thought was special. But it’s the only way to move forward. It’s the only way to make room for something else. It’s an uphill climb. Sometimes we hit boulders or fall along the way. And other days, we move quickly and the path…it seems smoother. My hope is that slowly, but surely, I’ll be able to reach the top of the mountain.
Sometimes you just have to say THANK YOU. Thank you to those who help us when we are down and out, who come into our lives briefly to give us words of encouragement, who touch our hearts by genuinely caring about us, asking how we are, sending us a much needed text or call, making us feel loved and understood, making us laugh, making us smile, or for just always being there (day in and day out). And a thank you to God, for simply helping us get through when we thought we couldn’t. For bringing people and situations into our lives that help us along the way – that help us grow, heal, and mend. Thank you.
I went to therapy about two weeks ago and came out feeling like crap – really. I had sat there, not knowing what to say. Because for some reason that day I was hurting again. I was trying to make sense of what wasn’t sensible. And so I had a crappy session where I just shut down. I was too stuck in my hurt. Then I felt stupid because I was hurting. I felt dum for feeling so much for someone who didn’t feel the same for me. Someone who not only left me twice, but other times while in the relationship. Someone who didn’t want me. I felt like a loser for holding on to something that wasn’t of any value to me anymore. I was angry…..sooo angry. I was angry at what had become of something I thought was so beautiful and hopeful, and I was angry at myself for holding on to it for so long after it shattered. And of course my therapist told me to be kind to myself, and that it would take time to move through it. But I didn’t want to give it more time. Because the more time I gave it, the more I was hurting myself and preventing myself from moving forward and starting a new life.
And so I left that session, went home, and just sat there for a bit in my void. I needed a friend to talk to. Even if it was just to distract myself from my own feelings. And so I called a friend up and went over to their place. At first it was casual conversation, but they could tell something was off. They asked, and I told them about therapy and how crappy I felt it had gone. I told them how I was feeling and how hurt I was, and I let out a few tears. And at first I received the compassion and the understanding I needed. Even a prayer. It was the comfort I needed. But then I received some straight talk as well. Straight talk that hurt, but that I needed to hear. There’s nothing worse than someone telling you the reason someone left you was because they just didn’t want you. It hurt to the core. But I already knew it. It’s like that book – “He Just Isn’t Into You”. It’s something so simple, yet so difficult to swallow. I mean, who wouldn’t want me? Who wouldn’t love me? Who wouldn’t want to spend the rest of their life with me? But the thing is, it has nothing to do with me. I am good enough. I am a great person. I am a loving, passionate, and caring woman. I have a great sense of humor. I’m strong, and compassionate. I’m creative and like to get my hands dirty. I’m an amazing girlfriend, daughter, sister, and friend. I have an amazing heart. I’m beautiful inside, and out. I’m a once in a lifetime kind of woman.
He didn’t leave me because I was who I was. He left me because he was who he was. He wanted something else. But it doesn’t mean that something was wrong with me.
Now this all sounds great and dandy. Sounds like I’ve had a breakthrough, right? Not exactly. I mean, I did to a certain extent. I’ll definitely say that something shifted in me that day. It was almost like – “ok, girl, you really need to move on now because this isn’t doing you any good.” This is my time – time to move on. However, that doesn’t mean that some of that pain isn’t still there. It is, but I have to make a conscious effort to move past it and push it to the background. I have to start focusing on me and all the blessings I have in front of me. I have to look at myself and be proud myself because I saw the flaws in me and in my part of the relationship, and was brave enough to not only take ownership of it, but take the steps to improve myself and push myself as I never thought possible. And that makes me pretty darn amazing. It makes me strong. It makes me vulnerable. It makes me courageous.
I’m not gonna fool myself. This is an everyday battle. It’s even an everyday choice. I can choose to live in the past, or move on to my future. Some days are easier than others. But that shift that happened the other day – it’s still with me. And so I’m hopeful. Hopeful that one day it won’t have to be a choice. That it will just be.