Woot! Woot! After such a difficult year and a half, I’m so glad to say that I’ve maintained my GPA this year (all A’s this school year!). I don’t know how I was able to concentrate, or study, or continue with my studies this year. It was soooo difficult. But I’m so glad and grateful that God gave me the strength to keep up with it. Somehow, I made it through, and I’m proud of myself for it. There were days I just didn’t want to do anything…I just didn’t have the mind to, or the heart to. But maybe my studies is something that helped keep me afloat among so much sadness, uncertainty, and heartache. Because it was one of the only stable things in my life at the time. One of the “constants” in my life. Kept me moving forward in a way.
I have a bit more to go, but I’m close to my goal. The goal of having stuck with something for soooo long, and finally seeing it come to fruition. It’s not about the degree or a future career for me. It’s about knowing that through all the adversity, frustration, and challenges, that I said I was going to do something and did it. That I stuck with it as hard as it may have been. That I didn’t give up. And that means the world to me. It’s a lesson in life – I can’t ever give up. No matter how hard it is. I need to keep moving forward.
I AM WORTH IT. I AM WORTHY. I AM IMPORTANT. I AM FUNNY. I AM INTELLIGENT. I AM STRONG. I AM KIND. I AM LOVING. I…..AM…..BEAUTIFUL. ENOUGH SAID.
For these past couple of months (or really 9 months), I have been in search of myself again. In search of who I am, who I was, and what I lost (what I lost about myself). In search of who I want to be and what I want to do. I’m not quite on solid ground yet. I mean, I feel like my feet touch the ground every now and again when I’m feeling good and positive and hopeful, but I still don’t feel a sense of being completely grounded yet. Sometimes events in our lives throw us off the tracks. Derail us completely and unexpectedly. I was totally derailed. I know that I’m growing because of this experience, but I still feel lost a lot of times. I still feel like I’m not sure if I’m heading in the right direction, or what I should be doing. Sometimes you wish someone could point you in the right direction. Make things more clear, or give you hope that things would get better. That you wouldn’t feel lost anymore. That one day you would be back on solid ground again with a clear vision of what you needed to do and who you were. That the choices you were making today, were the right ones. All I can do is follow his lead. Follow this path that God has me on, and have faith and believe that I need to walk on this path in order to touch solid ground again. I need to hold on to his hand even when I feel like letting go. Even when I’m weak, doubtful, scared, or unsure. I need to believe in him enough to realize that he would never lead me down a path that wasn’t good for me. And that takes so much courage. So much faith.
Man, the holidays can be rough….so immensely rough. I have to say though, I’m so grateful I am not completely alone, as so many unfortunately are during the holidays. I have my mom and brother, and just having them here with me – it helps me get through. And though there is sadness and longing in my heart, I have to open up my eyes, my heart, and mind to what is right in front of me. To all that I do have. I can’t be blinded by my own loss and melancholy. Sometimes our hearts are so wounded, that we just want to give up. We just want to stay in bed and cry, and sit in our loss. But it just doesn’t do us much good. We are only wasting precious time. I can’t change my past, and I can’t control the future. All I have is right now. Today. This moment. So I have to make the best of it, and have to hold on to the hope and the belief that my tomorrows will be better than all of my yesterdays. That’s not to say that I should ignore or get angry at myself for feeling that loss. It’s okay to feel what we need to feel. And we have to be kind with ourselves for it as well. But I just can’t allow myself to wallow in it. A few minutes to acknowledge and feel those feelings is okay. But all day – not good..lol. So here’s to that effort. That conscious effort to choose and feel differently.
It takes two – two sides to every story. I’ve learned a lot from my breakup. I wasn’t innocent – I had my flaws too. I was insecure with myself. And my insecurities made me question and overthink. There was always a part of me that wondered – does he really, really love me? Is he 100% dedicated to me? Does he really think I’m beautiful and special? Am I beautiful and special? Does he really want to spend the rest of his life with me? These were some of my own personal fears coming to the surface. When you are in a relationships, old fears and insecurities have the tendency to boil to the surface when you least expect it. The idea that someone could truly love me for me, without any hidden agenda, or the fact that someone would finally stay in my life – that they wouldn’t leave the way others had….I never realized how much loss I had experienced in my life. Different losses, but nonetheless, loss. All these things just came to the surface.
I was so afraid to lose him. I wanted him to stay. I wanted this to be the exception to the rule I had gotten so used to in my life. I know my insecurities affected our relationship. I held on to him tightly. I didn’t have friends really, except ones from work, but no one I could truly go to or spend time with, or vent to. I had no one but my family and him. I can see how that was a burden to him in a way. He would have wanted me to have my own life and friends, and things to do. The same way he wanted to do his own things. Ultimately, the one thing I had been dreading, had happened – I lost him. He left. Another loss. That’s why when the relationship ended, I evaluated my life. I evaluated myself. I wanted to learn from this experience and to grow from it. Certainly there had to be a reason for all the pain and hurt I was feeling. There had to be a reason why this had all happened. And so I started working on myself. I’ve made new friends since then. I’ve done things I never would have done, and tried new things. I’ve taken chances on people. I’ve opened up. And I continue to do so, even when fear wants to stop me. It’s an ongoing process, but I’m growing and evolving.
Something that I learned though is that it wasn’t just me. I blamed myself for everything when he broke up. Absolutely everything. But I realize now that while I take full responsibility for my flaws, I refuse to take responsibility for the demise of the relationship. Relationships take two people. They take communication and effort. And unfortunately, there was a breakdown in communication, much earlier than I had realized – possibly from the start of our living together. And what I learned was that all I could have done had I known how he was feeling, was exactly what I’m doing now. Accept my faults and work on them. I can’t help but wonder if a part of me did have reason to feel insecure at times (not all the time, but some times). It’s not that he was cheating or being untrue to me in any way, but just that I felt like he wasn’t 100% invested. Ultimately, maybe that was the case. Maybe he just felt he couldn’t at the time. Maybe he just had too many things about himself he needed to work on. I’ll never really know.
Sometimes it depends on who you are with and whether you both choose to work on things together to build a stronger relationship, as well as to grow as individuals. I have a better idea of what I need in a relationship now because of this experience. I also have a better idea of who I want to be in a relationship. I don’t want to be the same insecure person I once was. I want to be secure in myself as well as in my relationship and the person I’m with. Communication is so key. And hopefully I will find someone that is willing to communicate and be willing to work on any obstacles that may come our way – because it’s worth it, and because we will be better for it. Just as in marriage vows – through better and worse.